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People
grieve for many different reasons. There are many instances when we grieve in life, for the death of a loved one, the end
of a relationship, miscarriage, a loved one’s serious illness, job loss, after natural disasters … To really be
there for someone who is grieving, we must acknowledge that everyone processes grief in their own way.
Having
been through the sudden loss of my brother, grief is something I truly know well. I wasn’t prepared and had no idea
how to feel other than incredibly shocked, numb and in terrible emotional pain. Then there was the pain of my parents to consider,
the extended family…
Working
through your grief is an important part of life, we all lose someone we love eventually, death is truly part of life…
and so I thought it might be helpful to post some tips you might find help you move through grief and avoid becoming trapped
in it. It's common to grieve for a year or more after a major loss. Give yourself time, and don’t hesitate in seeking
the support you need.
GRIEVING
FOR A LOVED ONE:
Firstly
it is important to at least attempt to find closure. Refusing to accept someone is gone just prolongs the agony. It is important
to find a way to say goodbye to your loved one, whether or not you feel able to attend the funeral.
If
it is a close family member or friend and you can get there, you might want to consider speaking at their funeral. If you
can’t attend the funeral, you can write something and ask if it can be read for you in tribute. If this is not appropriate
for you, then it's OK to just talk to them, out loud or silently, talk to their picture, or just send thoughts up silently.
As a medium I have received countless messages to confirm that they will hear you, however you speak with them it is like
prayer..it always reaches its intended destination.
Its
ok to cry. In fact its crucial that you do at some point. However, after a week or so try not to let it disrupt your daily
life to the point where you can’t function at all during the day. Prolonged heavy grieving 24-7 takes a massive toll
on your mind, body and your wellbeing. It’s a fact that people will lose sympathy fast if you cry constantly, I learned
this the hard way :0)
Plus
if you have children its important to consider they will need you to be there for them at least some of the time too. Its
still ok to cry in private whenever you need to having said that.
One
message that comes through loud and clear many times when time has passed since
a loved one died is “Please don’t feel guilty or sad for me, I’m fine, you will honour me best by living
your life to the full!” Your loved one would not thank you for putting your life on hold forever in their name. Its
natural to feel a little guilty for trying to move on eventually, but its not valid guilt, living your life to the full is
what your loved one expects of you after a while :0)
If you can’t cope, seek help.
Reach out to your friends and family. They may
not understand the depth of what you're going through, but they can and will offer useful support. Make sure you seek additional
help if you really can’t cope day to day…especially from people who have experience dealing with grief such as
hospice staff and bereavement support groups. Talking to a bereavement counsellor will help …especially if you can’t
bear to speak to anyone else around you who is also grieving for fear of upsetting them and prolonging their own grief. Counsellors
are professionally trained to help you and will always listen to you even when you feel like no one else will. They can also
help answer your questions and provide ideas on healthy ways to remember your loved one. If you can’t bear the thought of
speaking face to face with a stranger, try joining an online support group.
Take
care of your health. It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but it can make coping
more bearable if you are physically well.
Remember
the happy times most of all. Your loved one wouldn't want you to be sad, and remembering the times you've laughed together
and had fun can help you grieve in a healthy way. Honour those moments instead of dwelling on the actual death itself –
physical death is just a transition for all of us to pass through, no matter
how difficult or tragic the death, it is fleeting in comparison to the eternity we have and the numerous lifetimes we will
live. Physical death is not dwelt upon by the loved one who went through it based on what I’ve been shown by thousands
of people who have passed over!
Keep
an item that reminds you of your loved one, but don’t hoard everything they ever owned. This can be anything with special
meaning, a photo of a happy time together or one of his or her personal items that the family allows you to have.
Some
people don't or can’t express feelings until long after a loss has occurred. Plan an annual memorial celebration around
the time of your loved one's birthday or death. Make it a fun and happy time of remembrance. It also gives you something positive
and constructive to do to commemorate and celebrate the life of your loved one. You could even combine this with a donation
or event in your loved one's name for a charity they supported or donate to a memorial fund set up by their family. I built
a memorial web page for my brother – it is now 145 pages of what I’ve learned about the spirit world since his
passing :0)
Always
remember to be respectful of others grieving for your loved one, even if you don’t get along with them.
Let
go of “what ifs” “I should haves…” and any guilt about words said or unsaid. We may have argued
with a loved one, or not made it to be by their side when they took their final breath, but they will never hold it against
you. There is no such thing as resentment or anger once the transition is made to the spirit world, only love and concern
for your wellbeing. Holding on to guilt after a bereavement only harms you and the people around you who love you.
If
you are having thoughts about suicide or feel that you can't deal with the grief, please talk to your doctor or counsellor
immediately. Avoid alcohol and drugs while you are grieving - bottling up these feelings will not end well, unresolved grief
always comes out somewhere in your life… be it now or years later, so please seek someone to speak to who can help you
to get through.
Many people find painting, drawing and other creative activities
therapeutic. Reading
about the experiences of others and the stages of grief may help you.
Grief
experts suggest avoiding making any major life changing decisions at a time like this, so put them on hold until you are ready
to make them.
HOW
TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING
Some
advice for those of you who are trying to support a grieving loved one This advice I give from my own experiences while grieving…
Don’t
avoid someone who is grieving just because you don’t know what to do or say. I saw people cross the street to avoid
me when I was grieving for my brother, which appalled me!
Above
all else: Listen, and listen properly, fully in the present.
Allow
the person to express their feelings. Don’t be dismissive or negate the person’s feelings, they have a right to
feel however they are feeling.
If
you are at a loss for words when you see a grieving friend or relative, just say so…you can tell the grieving person
exactly that and its fine. Just being there is more than enough. People don’t always need to talk. Your presence can
be a comfort in itself.
Some
people will welcome a hug or physical contact when they are upset, others don’t. Again, don’t take it as a personal
insult if your hug is shrugged off. Holding a hand, rubbing an arm or giving a hug can provide tremendous comfort, but take
the hint if they recoil – its not you so don’t take it personally.
Offer
some useful and specific support. “Let me know if there is anything I can do” is less likely to be acted upon
than “How about I take the kids to school for you next week?” Allow the grieving person to tell you what they
need.
A grieving person will have some heavy mood swings,
but you must remember that they aren’t directed at you personally. Anger, sadness, numbness, denial, guilt and acceptance are
all part of the grieving process and people may experience any or a combination of these emotions at any given time. Please
allow them to express their feelings without judgement and without taking any angry outbursts personally. Many family feuds
start over the death of a loved one, often for this very reason.
Never,
ever say words to the effect of, “Get over it” – the only time I feel it is ever permissible to mention
that it is time to be moving on is when a message is given directly from the person in spirit who is concerned !
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